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munchinmunchkin
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Interests: cooking, food, cooking food, samurai champloo, philosophy, religion, economics, politics, political philosophy, rurouni kenshin, full metal alchemist, boston clam chowder, sushi, orange juice, strawberries, green tea, sleeping, eating, daydreaming, dungeons & dragons, RPGs, blogging, surfing the Net, jazz, classical music, japanese pop, southeast asia, debate, dilbert, dogbert, the simpsons, futurama, sesame street
Expertise: bad jokes
Occupation: Student
Industry: Other
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Member Since:
8/28/2005
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| An MSN convo that explains it all -- So it shows that I have turned from a cocky arrogant brat in my freshman year who wanted to conquer the world....to a humble instrument of the Lord. Amen. =) c-bert says: hmmm. my gosh u really need to get on gtalk but anyway...u know i've been going thru life alot like working hard for school but getting mediocre grades =( c-bert says: i mean, mediocre to me which means not 2nd upper c-bert says: then i was thinking like gee lord, i'm supposed to be smart right, why does this happen to me, now evcen when i study for exams i feel this sense of hopelessness and futility like it's probably going to yield em a B
c-bert says: ok and anyway then the Lord was saying that...i'm actaully an instrument/vassal/vessel (?!) c-bert says: so the results are really in His hands and not mine i just need to do my thing c-bert says: i guess it made me feel much better tho, i mean, cos well...i guess, i was kinda upset over not knowing wat to study and tehre was too much to study and u know c-bert says: i'll just do my best instead of thinking that it is up to ME to do the restuls cos I am so SMART etc but i'm just an instrument for the LOrd -bert says: then this morning i was thinking...does this mean i become less goal oriented/go getter? and dont care about resuls? Anna_zabc -- You are my hiding place, You lie me down on green pastures and lead me beside still waters, You restore my soul ... says: yup absolutely c-bert says: and the Lord was remidning me about this thing in pslams c-bert says: where david said something about haivng the midas touch c-bert says: like whatever u lay ur hand to will propser c-bert says: and that most improtantly c-bert says: whatever i do, the Lord can do infinitely better =) | | |
| Hello. It's been awhile.
I know we've been through this many, many times but I really am struggling with the Lord, He wants me to be in EN Singapore while I don't want. EN Singapore is great, very godly, on fire but it has a very 'rah rah big group culture' which...I think is not me. And seriously it's frustrating sometimes but I never told anyone my frustration, only that well it's a big group culture and I'm an introvert. But I don't dare tell any of them my true feelings because I think it'll make me look extremely immature and childish. Another thing that's been on my mind is the feeling of guilt I guess. I wanted to start an English teaching thingy for Chinese mothers remember? And I spoke to someone in church who said that it wasn't a good idea to do this at the moment (he gave his opniion and I agreed) and he recommended that I should volunteer at the church voluntary organization....and I wanted to but I didn't.
Seriously I feel so guilty, like I have all these air-headed ideas which I never get down to doing despite initial enthusiasm and it makes me feel so.......'Ah you good for nothing!' It's been a recurring theme in my life, great ideas which never get done...and going to church and seeing the guy whom I talked to about this just compounds myg uilt.
And I guess the whole 'happy family' culture is so not me...and I'm still at the small talk stage. Believe me i HAVE been trying btu....I don't know it still feels frustrating. Today in church I suddenly was seizeed with this irrational bout of fear of going to church and integrating with the ppl there.
I went to my parents' church today and got ministered by this couple who told me that the Lord is still very pleased with me...and that they could sense that I took God very seriously (which by the way I do) and while this guy was rpaying for me today with his wife....I felt the Lord speak that He was with me always. The guy said that the fear I had was not from the Lord or myself but from the evil one...I don't know though. There's still alot of dread. I honestly cannot see for myself a future in EN Singapore and I wonder what the heck I'm doing there but the Lord really seems to be calling me to it. I supopse He knows what He's doing.
So the guy who was ministering to me today also gave me the gift of faith. His wife said that I had a special calling for my life. I have no idea I feel very drained from the series of events today I guess. I'm glad I went there and got ministered to. I'm still tempted not to go to church at all.
I guess what I need to do in my life now is to sit at His feet. My finals are tomorrow but I just want to space out.
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| After tonight, I decided that I was going to take a temporary (I think) hiatus from Every Nation Singapore. It doesn't mean I will quit giong to church but I realized after awhile that EN Singapore's culture is very different from the kinds of culture I would grow well in, socially. EN Singapore has a big hooray happy family type of environment, whereas I felt that EN UNC provided me with a sort of social environment I was most suited to grow. This is by no means an attack on EN Singapore, it's a GREAT place but I don't think it is the place for me, socially. I'm not the whee hooray happy big group type of person, I'm the sort that thrives on one-to-one relatinoships and small groups - I think, the reason why EN UNC has played a huge role in my life was because it allowed me to form deep friendships with people : Bible study with Kendall, Cally, Jessica and Lindsay, my deep one-to-one relationsihps with Cally, Brian, Hillary, David, Heather. Now don't say that "I was in China for 2 months...", a semester has elapsed and I really have been trying my best to fit into EN Singapore but I decided that...well, things aren't working out and I probably will thus take a hiatus from attending churcht here. I'll be going back to my old church for the moment, and I don't know how long "the moment" is but I suppose that if it's really God's will for me to be at EN then I guess I will no matter what. I'm at peace with this decision, I think the Lord has relented and let me have my way.
Well, let's see where this goes.
Life has been a crazy hell of a ride. I learnt what it meant to stand up for righteousness -- and how God never fails those who do so. I am learning how not to judge myeslf and others based on shallow qualities like looks. I am learning how NOT to be an obsessive perfectionist and to trust Him in my job hunting and not to be anxious but to commit everything to Him. My confidence in myself is dropping like crazy and I find myself becoming more dependent on Him...I guess that's a good thing?
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| ...say hi! just wanna check to see who's alive and kicking on xanga haha | | |
| Probably, my most pressing need right now is learning how to see God as someone whomI can talk and tell everything to, share my problems with, instead of a foreign entity that influences my fate in some way and discussing with people how to relate to this supernatural entity that holds the fate of mankind in His hands.
It's always my fault. I procrastinate, crash and burn, forget about praying because I hav etoo much to do, realizing that I can't do it all and that I need Him but....
...despite my anger at Him, despite His gentle prodding at me this morning to wake up and go to church and my stubborn refusal to go because I wanted to sleep and I was still angry with God, He still takes care of me. That's amazing grace.
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